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Depression and Anxiety

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sucka:
Anybody go through a bout of this or battling this?  The death of Wade Belak and Rypien got me to revisit perhaps my darkest time of my life.

I don't know how severe mine was compared to other people, but i am fortunate that i pulled through, or rather it had lifted.  But that feeling or fear that it could return is always there.  It's as if there's still a kernal or seed there that if conditions were right it would happen again and that is a very scary thought indeed. 
My symptoms came gradually, anxiety and nervousness, brain fog, ultra low grade fever, loss of appetite, and then the fear of being alone/lonliness.  I lost interest in everything, i coudln't even care about watching a leaf game.  After all these were happening at once, then came thoughts of suicide.  Many times i stood on the edge of King subway stn just wanting to jump but didn't probably becuase i was too chicken sh!t and thoughts of my kids and mom prevented it.   I tried my hardest not to see a doctor for fear of getting medicated, but eventually i had to go as I chronically couldn't sleep anymore.  Doctor was really cool about it and my concerns and told me that treatment was available and to hang on for a little longer.  I did, and eventually it did go away to the point where i just get the occassional tightness in my chest.  But i'll never scoff at anyone that mentions they suffer from brain fog or 'yuppy flu' again.  I can't go on depression forums cuz reading other people's experiences are too much for me to handle.
For anyone that suffers from this, i hope you pull through cuz there is light at the end of the tunnel. 

princedpw:
Thanks for that post.  It probably helps people to know that there are others who suffer similarly.

Peter D.:
Sucka, thanks for this and am extremely glad that you had it lifted.

I myself have always been the worrying type, but anxiety for me didn't kick in 'til about 5/6 months ago.  I have found the topic to be a bit taboo, and as you suggest, people do scoff at it when they don't know.   

For me, it seems to be a culmination of factors -- turning 30 and the fear of time passing me by, being a new father and having had a hard time accepting my daughter turned 1 (where did the time go type of thing), scared of getting/catching a disease (my mother passed away at 35 from cancer), a really crappy job that pays crappy, being around and hearing a lot of morbid things, and perhaps the biggest factor, being in a pretty severe car accident just before Christmas.  My car was totaled, but I was, surprisingly, completely fine physically.  However, as time has passed on, I think it has taken a mental toll on me (What if I get blind-sinded?; What if my wife and daughter were in the car?).

It's led to me having what I presume are anxiety attacks.  I have experienced frequent heart palpitations that have been so severe at times that my heart has quivered as if it were the onset of a heart attack.  Being the vicious cycle that it is, it consumes my mind and it just leads to more palpitations and anxiety.  I check my pulse all the time.  It was so bad I had an ECG done, was strapped to a 48-hour Holter monitor, and even had a stress test done.  All came back perfectly normal and the doctors suggested it was primarily stress/anxiety.  Since then, having been given a clean bill of health, I have been feeling better, but still have my moments.

It has affected me in that it zapped the enjoyment out of things in my life -- playing ball hockey became a chore, I was at times a robot sitting in front of the TV not laughing or enjoying what I always used to, it brought a sad aura around my wife and daughter.  My wife asked if I was depressed, and I did say I experienced a bit.  I have yet to go see a professional, but having talked and opening up to a few close friends and just reading stuff like this has kind of put a skip back in my step.  I've fallen in the trap of reading forums as well, but sometimes it helps, other times it makes me self-diagnose myself.

I will say, the last month or so I have been feeling much better than I did in the few months prior.  I'm taking enjoyment in things again.  I realize I have a lot to live for for a long time.  No need to worry about what will happen about 40 or 50 years from now when I can enjoy what's happening today.  I still have my moments of being down, but hopefully those lows are much less frequent moving forward.

Thanks for allowing me to pour it out.   

Rob:
Couple things I found have helped;

The Power Of Now by Eckhart Tolle
Sedona Method by Hale Dwoskin

These are very inexpensive books available at most book stores.  If you suffer from any form of mental unrest, please read them, multiple times.

sucka:
PeterD,
I'm glad for you and that we can sorta laugh at it a bit.  Similarly, it was also the convergence of a multiple things going on in my life a year ago.  Yeah the self diagnosis is pretty funny now that you mentioned it and the more you read up on it, the more 'symptoms' you develop.   Hardest part was trying to act normal at the dinner table, at work, even though your mind was just screaming at you and you just can't see an end to it.  And I can totally relate to the robot in front of the TV thing.  It coulda been snow on channel 01 (before he Rogers preview channel) and it wouldn't have made a bit of difference.  I found that talking about it, either to a sympathetic friend or just letting it out here works wonders.
Peter, have you tried Lorazepam for your attacks?  I had a really bad attack one time, thought my heart was going to explode and the emergency room doctor prescribed it to me.  It's supposed to be very short term and it's pretty harmless so I just take it when i really need it.  I was using half a dose and then gradually went to once a week and now maybe once a month if i really need it.  I don't think it's habit forming and i don't have any side effects...it's not brain chemical changing meds, just something to calm your nerves.

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