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Depression and Anxiety

S

sucka

New member
Anybody go through a bout of this or battling this?  The death of Wade Belak and Rypien got me to revisit perhaps my darkest time of my life.

I don't know how severe mine was compared to other people, but i am fortunate that i pulled through, or rather it had lifted.  But that feeling or fear that it could return is always there.  It's as if there's still a kernal or seed there that if conditions were right it would happen again and that is a very scary thought indeed. 
My symptoms came gradually, anxiety and nervousness, brain fog, ultra low grade fever, loss of appetite, and then the fear of being alone/lonliness.  I lost interest in everything, i coudln't even care about watching a leaf game.  After all these were happening at once, then came thoughts of suicide.  Many times i stood on the edge of King subway stn just wanting to jump but didn't probably becuase i was too chicken sh!t and thoughts of my kids and mom prevented it.  I tried my hardest not to see a doctor for fear of getting medicated, but eventually i had to go as I chronically couldn't sleep anymore.  Doctor was really cool about it and my concerns and told me that treatment was available and to hang on for a little longer.  I did, and eventually it did go away to the point where i just get the occassional tightness in my chest.  But i'll never scoff at anyone that mentions they suffer from brain fog or 'yuppy flu' again.  I can't go on depression forums cuz reading other people's experiences are too much for me to handle.
For anyone that suffers from this, i hope you pull through cuz there is light at the end of the tunnel. 
 
Sucka, thanks for this and am extremely glad that you had it lifted.

I myself have always been the worrying type, but anxiety for me didn't kick in 'til about 5/6 months ago.  I have found the topic to be a bit taboo, and as you suggest, people do scoff at it when they don't know.   

For me, it seems to be a culmination of factors -- turning 30 and the fear of time passing me by, being a new father and having had a hard time accepting my daughter turned 1 (where did the time go type of thing), scared of getting/catching a disease (my mother passed away at 35 from cancer), a really crappy job that pays crappy, being around and hearing a lot of morbid things, and perhaps the biggest factor, being in a pretty severe car accident just before Christmas.  My car was totaled, but I was, surprisingly, completely fine physically.  However, as time has passed on, I think it has taken a mental toll on me (What if I get blind-sinded?; What if my wife and daughter were in the car?).

It's led to me having what I presume are anxiety attacks.  I have experienced frequent heart palpitations that have been so severe at times that my heart has quivered as if it were the onset of a heart attack.  Being the vicious cycle that it is, it consumes my mind and it just leads to more palpitations and anxiety.  I check my pulse all the time.  It was so bad I had an ECG done, was strapped to a 48-hour Holter monitor, and even had a stress test done.  All came back perfectly normal and the doctors suggested it was primarily stress/anxiety.  Since then, having been given a clean bill of health, I have been feeling better, but still have my moments.

It has affected me in that it zapped the enjoyment out of things in my life -- playing ball hockey became a chore, I was at times a robot sitting in front of the TV not laughing or enjoying what I always used to, it brought a sad aura around my wife and daughter.  My wife asked if I was depressed, and I did say I experienced a bit.  I have yet to go see a professional, but having talked and opening up to a few close friends and just reading stuff like this has kind of put a skip back in my step.  I've fallen in the trap of reading forums as well, but sometimes it helps, other times it makes me self-diagnose myself.

I will say, the last month or so I have been feeling much better than I did in the few months prior.  I'm taking enjoyment in things again.  I realize I have a lot to live for for a long time.  No need to worry about what will happen about 40 or 50 years from now when I can enjoy what's happening today.  I still have my moments of being down, but hopefully those lows are much less frequent moving forward.

Thanks for allowing me to pour it out. 
 
Couple things I found have helped;

The Power Of Now by Eckhart Tolle
Sedona Method by Hale Dwoskin

These are very inexpensive books available at most book stores.  If you suffer from any form of mental unrest, please read them, multiple times.
 
PeterD,
I'm glad for you and that we can sorta laugh at it a bit.  Similarly, it was also the convergence of a multiple things going on in my life a year ago.  Yeah the self diagnosis is pretty funny now that you mentioned it and the more you read up on it, the more 'symptoms' you develop.  Hardest part was trying to act normal at the dinner table, at work, even though your mind was just screaming at you and you just can't see an end to it.  And I can totally relate to the robot in front of the TV thing.  It coulda been snow on channel 01 (before he Rogers preview channel) and it wouldn't have made a bit of difference.  I found that talking about it, either to a sympathetic friend or just letting it out here works wonders.
Peter, have you tried Lorazepam for your attacks?  I had a really bad attack one time, thought my heart was going to explode and the emergency room doctor prescribed it to me.  It's supposed to be very short term and it's pretty harmless so I just take it when i really need it.  I was using half a dose and then gradually went to once a week and now maybe once a month if i really need it.  I don't think it's habit forming and i don't have any side effects...it's not brain chemical changing meds, just something to calm your nerves.
 
Depression and Anxiety have been with me for years.  I have it under control, but it's certainly not gone.

The worst part is now being grown up trying to make sure it doesn't affect my wife or son. 
 
sucka said:
Peter, have you tried Lorazepam for your attacks?  I had a really bad attack one time, thought my heart was going to explode and the emergency room doctor prescribed it to me.  It's supposed to be very short term and it's pretty harmless so I just take it when i really need it.  I was using half a dose and then gradually went to once a week and now maybe once a month if i really need it.  I don't think it's habit forming and i don't have any side effects...it's not brain chemical changing meds, just something to calm your nerves.
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No, I have tried avoiding the medicinal route.  Although I wonder if I should have something just as a back up. 

I do experience every so often something called PSVT -- it is the speeding of the heart out of nowhere to over 200 beats per minute for anywhere from 10 to 50 minutes.  It is often confused and associated with anxiety, but I'm not certain there is a direct correlation (although reading some forums suggest they can go hand-in-hand).  As such, I have asked my doctor if I should go on beta blockers, but he recommended that it is unnecessary and that I should try and find ways to help alleviate my anxiety (breathing techniques, reading, exercise, etc.) and there are methods I can use to 'break' any episode of PSVT.

I do sometimes use natural products such as Rescue Remedy and Calm.  They help slightly in calming my nerves.  A lot of what I have dealt with is psychosomatic -- I admit it and my doctor confirms it -- so I am trying my best to get myself in the right mindset again. 
 
Peter, your descriptions sound exactly like me, except that I've only had one panic attack (and it was a massive one following by almost 24 hours of continuous sleep). The rest of the time it's depression, exactly as Sucka describes it. I've mostly got it under control, but it definitely comes back with some regularity. I've come to understand some of the triggers a little better and am making some strides to improve other aspects of my life such as fitness, new friends, etc.

I believe strongly in the totality of the human body, mind and spirit. If one is out of whack, it'll affect the others. So I figure if I improve the things I can control, it'll help everything else. Not sure if it's working yet, but I am just starting my journey.

The crummy job and pay are a huge burden on me though. I know how that one feels.

My son (almost 2 years now) is a bright light in my life. I don't care if he's smiling and hugging or screaming and punching, he fills me with joy. Now, to just find more things that fill me with joy to fill some of the empty spaces.

As I get older, I am starting to understand my depression better and it's causes. (alcoholics in the family, violent arguing, fear of failure/success, fear of loss of control, etc.) The last one is a direct reason for my teetotalism. It took me a long time to figure that out.

I once took medication for a few months but I quit it. I also try to avoid any medications.
 
Guru Tugginmypuddah said:
Couple things I found have helped;

The Power Of Now by Eckhart Tolle
Sedona Method by Hale Dwoskin

These are very inexpensive books available at most book stores.  If you suffer from any form of mental unrest, please read them, multiple times.
Click to expand...

thanks for the suggestions. Due to an addicition I have had under control (due to a 12 step program) for almost 15 years, my anxiety and depression are not as severe.. but they still come. I worry about everything and every so oftne still have those Sundays where I don't want to get out from under the covers. I do my chores and then by 1PM are back in bed in my own world. Go to therpaist and all and some days are way better than others but it sucks.. I feel for anyone battling. I have been for years..Greatful for today suicide was never an option
 
I spent 55 days this summer in hospital on the mental health ward.  Suicidal risk, severe anxiety, severe depression, and agoraphobia.  I'm on a cocktail of meds - Seroquel, Cipralex, Trazadone, Effexor, Clonazepam, and Ativan.  I see my psychiatrist every 3 weeks, and a social worker weekly.

I've not been able to work in the past 18 months.  Before that, I was a social worker who led a normal life.

I've been back home for 3 weeks, but struggle daily trying to beat this.  Yesterday I was a puddle of sweat most of the day - non-stop anxiety.  Today seems much better, so far.  Ya just never know what lies ahead...
 
I can't really contribute to this thread except to say *big group hug*. I love all you guys like a little cyber-family, and I want you all to be happy!  If it helps at all, just know that there are people like me out here, who care about you guys, even if we don't know each other personally.
 
Rick said:
I spent 55 days this summer in hospital on the mental health ward.  Suicidal risk, severe anxiety, severe depression, and agoraphobia.  I'm on a cocktail of meds - Seroquel, Cipralex, Trazadone, Effexor, Clonazepam, and Ativan.  I see my psychiatrist every 3 weeks, and a social worker weekly.

I've not been able to work in the past 18 months.  Before that, I was a social worker who led a normal life.

I've been back home for 3 weeks, but struggle daily trying to beat this.  Yesterday I was a puddle of sweat most of the day - non-stop anxiety.  Today seems much better, so far.  Ya just never know what lies ahead...
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I too am from the Mental Health field, but what you said about working in this field and leading a normal life, seems like an oxymoron to me. It took me about 5 years just to learn how to leave work at the door on the way out, but you still can't. When you listen to so many horrible stories and work with the victims of those stories, it's hard to not be affected in your own life.

I think every single one of us who have tried to help others deal with mental health issues, feel some sort of depression/ anxiety ourselves at some point during our careers. Some say you become numb to the sad stories, but I never did. Their pain often transferred to me almost by osmosis, from the empathetic approach I have, when we care about our clients so much. It's hard to protect yourself from that Rick. I'm not sure if that is your root cause or not, but it's mine and it's a battle when your in the trenches.

I'm glad you're feeling better, hopefully you're on the winning end of that fight.
 
Rick said:
I spent 55 days this summer in hospital on the mental health ward.  Suicidal risk, severe anxiety, severe depression, and agoraphobia.  I'm on a cocktail of meds - Seroquel, Cipralex, Trazadone, Effexor, Clonazepam, and Ativan.  I see my psychiatrist every 3 weeks, and a social worker weekly.

I've not been able to work in the past 18 months.  Before that, I was a social worker who led a normal life.

I've been back home for 3 weeks, but struggle daily trying to beat this.  Yesterday I was a puddle of sweat most of the day - non-stop anxiety.  Today seems much better, so far.  Ya just never know what lies ahead...
Click to expand...

Hey Rick, your post brought me to tears at work.  I don't know why...i do but it's a jumble of emotions.  Funny, how we are black, white, asian, rich, poor but our insides are all the same...we take it for granted but knock our balance off kilter by a wee bit and it's a slippery slope.  Rick it looks like we're all each other's inspiration here to take it one day at a time.  There's always tomorrow and we all hope tomorrow is better than today.  Geez, it just sounds so cheesy but i suppose we all know how true it is.
 
I know what depression and anxiety is like, I've been stuck with having bipolar disorder since I was 12 and always had a hard time doing things.  Other than medications the one thing that has really helped me get things under control is cognitive behavioural therapy.  It is really helpful method of changing the way you think.
 
Peter D. said:
No, I have tried avoiding the medicinal route.  Although I wonder if I should have something just as a back up. 
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That works for me.  I had a series of panic attacks and was prescribed Lorazepam.  It works, but more importantly, knowing it works and knowing I have it in my pocket has a calming effect so I rarely feel the need to take it.  Good luck with it.
 
I've wrestled with clinical depression for quite some time now. It's manifested itself in things like anxiety, agoraphobia and such. I've tried combating it with just about everything you can. Therapy, medication, meditation, exercise, what have you to varying degrees of success. It manifests in different ways. A bleak outlook on life in general, self-criticism, hopelessness, etc.

One of the things that I've found, and maybe this is why Rick Rypien's death(and maybe Belak's) doesn't shock me as much, is that there's no rhyme or reason to it. I suffer from just as bad a spell of it when my life is going really well as when I'm stuck in the mud. Money, a good relationship, good friends, none of them, even combined, are a panacea that's going to make me forget it. So even a hockey player, making a lot of money, can struggle with it all their lives. It's not even that hard to hide provided you're not living with someone and have the kind of job I do. You make excuses when you don't want to go out and your stewing inside your head can continue unabated.

I tend to think of having it largely under control these days. One of the best pieces of advice I ever heard on the subject was Eddie Vedder relaying something Bruce Springsteen told him which was "That guy(depression) is always going to be in the car with you, you just can't let him drive."

So it's there and I deal with it and things do get better.
 
This is not at all intended to be a facetious question, and relates more to the depression than anxiety.

What happens if you let him drive? With depression, once that guy is driving, wouldn't you just not care?

My wife thinks I may be depressed, but I don't see it. Is it that I don't care to because I really am? How would I know, and why would I care if I'm depressed?

Maybe I am, maybe I'm not....I simply don't know. You know?
 
Mordac said:
This is not at all intended to be a facetious question, and relates more to the depression than anxiety.

What happens if you let him drive? With depression, once that guy is driving, wouldn't you just not care?

My wife thinks I may be depressed, but I don't see it. Is it that I don't care to because I really am? How would I know, and why would I care if I'm depressed?

Maybe I am, maybe I'm not....I simply don't know. You know?
Click to expand...

I'm kind of with you... My wife thinks the same about me but how do I know? I'm not prepared to do anything about it either. Is the belief that I don't need help part of the problem?
 
Mordac said:
This is not at all intended to be a facetious question, and relates more to the depression than anxiety.

What happens if you let him drive? With depression, once that guy is driving, wouldn't you just not care?

My wife thinks I may be depressed, but I don't see it. Is it that I don't care to because I really am? How would I know, and why would I care if I'm depressed?

Maybe I am, maybe I'm not....I simply don't know. You know?
Click to expand...

Sure. One of the things, though, is that there's a big difference between clinical, brain-chemistry imbalance depression and being bummed out. You can legitimately have negative issues in your life, money troubles, bad relationship, whatever and it's not a medical condition. You can feel the negative emotion of depression and not have depression.

And then it gets into the question of the severity and how it manifests itself. If "that guy" is driving it can mean the difference between "Things aren't great, but I've still got to finish assignments/go grocery shopping/go out and see my friends because those things need to get done" and "Things are terrible, I can't manage, so I'm going to get wasted at eleven in the morning and spend all day watching re-runs on BBC America because it doesn't matter anyway."

And, sure, yeah when you're getting wasted and watching TV then you don't care much about what you didn't do, although not getting it done will feed back into the depression and make it worse later on, but it's not like you can just wallow in it forever without consequence.

Of course, that's sort of a worst-case, unable to function scenario. Like I was saying, that's when depression is in control of your life. That's what you can't let happen.
 
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